Lost in Crazy..

All what's left now.. is pain hurt and suffering. . And tears .. tears.. lost of tears. .

At this point in my life there is only one thing that could save me, Strength.     Why does it feel so damn difficult? Why can’t I reach this one thing inside me that I know I have dormant somewhere? I need it so much..     I have all my senses heightened.. I have all my feelings emphasized.. I am feeling anything and everything.. WHY CAN’T I FEEL THIS ONE THING I NEED?     One of the greatest ancient Greek taboos was acting like Gods. Attempting to be God-like and defying the natural order of life was one sacred holy taboo, and breaking it had its consequences. Loving so strongly, so deeply, so passionately, so genuinely, and so sincerely.. Dedicating all your feelings, all your thoughts, all what you were, all what you are, all what you will ever be.. Making sense of all your pains, your wounds, your sorrows, your aspirations, your inspirations, your hopes through this one person.. To Want .. To Desire.. To Adore another so selfishly .. The entitlement.. The possessiveness..

   Once upon a time in a faraway land there lived a little boy, in a little house, with his little family. His life was happy and the times were merry.  But life doesn’t work the way we want it to, and evil came the little boy sensed it nearing. The little boy knew it was coming.     Every night after the little family went to sleep, the boy sang a sad song, cried, and prayed for this evil to go away.    Little to what the little boy knew when evil touches you, it does not go away without devouring you whole… and that’s what happened…. Seconds.. minutes.. hours.. days.. weeks.. HEARTBREAK .. months.. years.. Seconds.. minutes.. HEARTBREAK .. hours.. days.. weeks.. months.. years.. Seconds.. minutes.. hours.. days.. weeks.. months.. HEARTBREAK ..  years.. Seconds.. minutes.. hours.. days.. HEARTBREAK .. weeks.. months.. years.. Seconds.. HEARTBREAK .. minutes.. hours.. days.. weeks.. months.. years.. Seconds.. minutes.. hours.. HEARTBREAK .. days.. weeks.. months.. y

She leaves her bed in the middle of the night.. She goes into the bathroom and looks up in the mirror.. She washes her hands and face.. Rinsing.. brushing.. washing.. trying to get it off of her.. She smells the stench that refused to just go away.. Is it her rotten heart? Is it her dead dreams? Her suffocated hopes? Or is it her dying soul? She stares at her self-reflection.. Her wide.. big.. black eyes.. sad so sad the look in them.. Her face.. her perfectly-drawn features.. She knows she is beautiful.. she just can’t feel it.. So calm she looks.. so peaceful.. so strong.. so capable.. so young..  and yet so sad .. She gazes at her naked body.. it does not feel naked anymore.. Why is that she wonders? It comes back to her…….. Every part of her body reminds her of every kiss.. Every turn, every curve.. reminds her of every touch.. Naked is relative, she figures.. How naked you don’t feel now, has to do with how naked you felt then.. It isn’t y

Only if the sky stops pouring. . Only if the wind stops blowing. . Only if the cold fades away ...

It says: " And I remember what it felt like to be on the verge of a breakdown, I remember it very well. And how can I forget. Im broken and bent, but into a better shape. I was lost and nobody found me. I found myself in the darkest of my times, i knew then, who I was and what I wanted to become. I learned that all the things that try to weigh us down are just virtual, nothing is ever real unless we trick ourselves into believing it is. I am not proud of the things I've done, I must say; but I learned so many details about myself and the world I've been placed in. And I loved it, every moment of it. Cheers to new beginnings, this is not a new year's resolution. This is my heart pouring words out of real experience and painful memories. And I loved it, every moment of it. Am i getting more interesting when it comes to writing."

When u look back at us.. Know that you where the one who ruined it.. And that I gave you everything I could ever give you.. And know that it isn't over because I stopped loving you.. It is over because I loved you too much it became too hurtful.. There is no place for me in ur life.. And no matter how hard I try I can't get anywhere with you. . Because you are  not willing to... And I hope you someday realize that it wasn't me that was being unreasonable. .. I hope u stop viewing me as some sort of a villain.. And actually realize how good I am to you I love you.. And I know that some part of me always will..

    Hello my dearest dearest best Doctor ever,  -whom I really grew much more appreciative of after meeting some very deluding biochemists in medical school-     After all the drama I put you through as a consequence of that damned rejection email, I kinda kept a mental note to thank you if any of the things you said turned out to be true.. and they DID!! Looking back at it I can't really understand all the drama I allowed myself to go through. . It was not the end of the world, but somehow my brain managed to register it as that!     I have been meaning to send you this email for months now.. Maybe I was waiting for the moment where I feel truly happy,  so that my words would be more genuine.  I am so happy.  Okay the daily hassles are still there. . The complications and a whole lot of stuff to deal with.. but I am really happy... for the first month or so of medical school I have contemplated the idea of dropping out every single day. . I just couldn't find myself or be my

   A waste of time.. yours and mine.. maybe that's all what "US" is doing to us...    We are not meant to be... let's just quit the lying to ourselves.. the going around in circles. .    We are not meant to be... I want equity. . I want mutual, care and understanding .. I want a Home.. and you want everything presented to you on a golden plate without even bothering to reciprocate it.. all you want is to be Selfish..    We are not meant to be because you are delusional. .. you made both of us believe that you are so deeply in love with me.. When the truth is all you ever loved was yourself. . And I can not hold you accounted for that because you were always this way and I have always known that and yet I allowed myself to ignore all the signs. ..     We are not meant be because you just don't care.. or care just a little. . or just not enough. . And it kills me a little bit more each time...       We are not meant to be because you are my happiness.. and all

"Estranged" When you're talkin to yourself And nobody's home You can fool yourself You came in this world alone (Alone) So nobody ever told you baby How it was gonna be So what'll happen to you baby Guess we'll have to wait and see ONE, TWO Old at heart but I'm only 28 And I'm much too young To let love break my heart Young at heart but it's getting much too late To find ourselves so far apart I don't know how you're s'posed To find me lately An what more could tou ask from me How could you say that I never needed you When you took everything Said you took everything from me Young at heart an it gets so hard to wait When no one I know can seem to help me now Old at heart but I musn't hesitate If I'm to find my own way out Still talkin' to myself and nobody's home (Alone) So nobody ever told us baby How it was gonna be So what'll happen to us baby Guess we'll have to wait and see W

You die a little bit more inside. .. And I am not so sure if I wnna do anything about it. .

    And you try.. and you try.. and you want and you yearn.. and cry and cry.. weep and cry? Asking for things. .. working for things.. but do you get them? .. do you reach them?? Do you achieve them? Or do you lose them?     I gave in my heart .. inside out. . I gave in every single feeling that I believe is humanly possible. . And it hurts. . But was it worth it? Is it worth it?  But our brains fail to object when our hearts decide. . Why is it this way?  Why can't I admit to my failures and cut my losses short? .. cut my losses short. . Why? .. Do I still have anything more to lose? .. Ungrateful .. you could say.. I am still alive.. I still have everything that many people would die for.. but I lost the one true thing I really cared about. . My heart. .     Is it the big things or the little things? ? I don't care anymore. . It doesn't really matter. . I can't think straight. . So many thoughts come rushing through my head. . I can't feel straight. . So many e

    Sometimes in life.. you couldn't have loved more.. yearned more.. wanted something more.. and worked for it more.. but it just Does not work out . . And it isn't your fault. . Or is it?      But you will never know what was really IT that kept you from it...       Is it just the way life is? Builds you up.. lefts you higher. . Makes you believe you have everything.. only to bring you down.. and crush your soul?        An old philosophy is to believe that misery exists only to make one appreciates happiness. . That misery builds up a person and turn it into a full rounded experienced individual. . Is it so? Or is that the way the less fortunate try to think of it to make their existence bearable ?         The less fort unate ? .. did I choose the wrong vocabulary or does that bring it down to luck?       LUCK . . if it is a mat ter of luck . .    Wow.. life is unfair. . But God is life and life is God. . God created life... God is unfair. . But God is fair.. That ne

In a message for a Professor of mine, describing what I have recently observed within the Saudi society: " I am alright medical school started and I loath the people here and I just hate how stupid and limited they are. . I think I finally got what Closed Minded means.. within modern language we use it to describe uptight people,  but after observing most of my classmates and how my educated intelligent professors approach them I came to understand the real meaning of it. It is like they are entrapped inside a bubble knowing that there is a world outside it but they refuse to explore it in fear of getting themelves contaminated with the evils they were raised to believe  existed. . And the way the more aware -maybe more intelligent?- approach them in is disgusting.. delicately afraid of breaking that bubble and exposing them to logic, empathy,  selflessness and every other beautiful aspect of humanity outside their pathological religious beliefs system . . They confused within th

Leaving an imprint on the world? Isn't that the forever-lasting struggle of the human race?       Giving that notion the time to question the justifications underlying it, it sums down to a simpler more comprehensible thought .. We are afraid of being forgotten.. Le ft alone six feet under.. I bet that thought would be all what's echoing in that eternal silence..          Maybe.. maybe that is why we are So Scared.. So Anxious.. when it comes to letting go of what's gone - Or whose gone-   because only when we Stop remembering.. Stop missing.. Stop feeling that void in our hearts.. when we STOP feeling the air thinning around us when we acknowledge  The Gone..  Only then What's gone becomes Forever Lost..        I don't mind to be gone..  out of your life.. out of your dreams.. out of Your Heart.. But what breaks my heart is the thought of being lost ..        I don't want to be an emotionless memory after all the Love ... the passion.. the breathes..

Richard Feynman, a world renowned physicist and revolutionary scientist, wrote this letter to his deceased wife, who was his high-school sweetheart. The letter was not opened until after he died in 1988: October 17, 1946 D’Arline, ... I adore you, sweetheart. I know how much you like to hear that — but I don't only write it because you like it — I write it because it makes me warm all over inside to write it to you. It is such a terribly long time since I last wrote to you — almost two years but I know you'll excuse me because you understand how I am, stubborn and realistic; and I thought there was no sense to writing. But now I know my darling wife that it is right to do what I have delayed in doing, and that I have done so much in the past. I want to tell you I love you. I want to love you. I always will love you. I find it hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you after you are dead — but I still want to comfort and take care of you — and I want yo

I don't know what words to put together to make this seem as deep and as beautiful as you make me feel. It is like I spent my life building thick walls around my heart to keep it locked away for anyone to reach . Only to make the greatest mistake of all.  I let you in knowing that there is no going back. I let you in knowing that once you leave, you'll take away my heart. I let you in knowing that you'd make it so perfect for me to ever want out. How will I ever BE after your love.. How will I ever be me again... I know I am not perfect.. I know that I hurt you.. I know that I never satisfy you.. I know that I always pick holes in everything.. For all that I am and what I do I am sorry, for what it's worth you have me.. The childish, obsessive, idealistic, idiotic, bossy, bipolar me is all yours..  I always wish if there is more in me to make yours.. I always wish if i could take back things I have done. I always wish if I can never lose you..

   I always wonder if it all started then or it has been there all along. First years of my life could only be described by a simple word, perfect! I had a loving mum, lived in a lovely home, and got everything I asked for. With all the perfection of my small perfect world I had one thing missing, I had him missing. I stand here today eleven years after the day that radically changed my life, and I am still as lost and as confused as the nine years old girl who lost the most precious blessing God gave to his creatures. I thought time would mend the wounds inside my heart, I hoped for the life in my days to fill the emptiness in my heart. But it only got worse with time. I woke up today and decided to sleep in late, this Easter vacation was wasted in "resting" after a month of me working my ass off to the max. I guess "trying" to get into med-school while wanting to help everyone, and be everything is not working quite well. First thing I did the minute I open