Lost in Crazy..

I am still surrounded. Surrounded to still be sitting here listening to the same song, smoking the same cigarette. I have very little regrets, but you make the most of them. It is about the wide space in me I left open for you, and you very lightly left for disappointments. Nothing special about anything, except for the context and the little kindness-es you’ve sparkled over life on occasions. It tore my heart every time I had to leave and you gave me permission. “I am sorry honey; do I have a reason to not seek another?” “I just want you to be happy.” Selfish, self-centered, trapped little boy. I could’ve made you the happiest, if only you knew how to let yourself in me. I could’ve made you the realist, if only you recognized all the faults in your logic. Naive little boy. I am gone, I am so gone. But you still make me nervous, like all the hairs in my body waiting for a smile. Did you need to follow me to the end of the world to show me our love then tell

Hi, I haven’t written in a while, but maybe I have never stopped. I have been thinking a lot lately, about the construct of who I am as a person and all what makes me, you know, me.      Funny I know since I spent most of the past 10 years figuring that out, without a clear conclusion. Mostly a blurred-out line that started to plateau after a certain age. Was it 22? My first heartbreak, me realizing how all heartbreaks are similar and stem out of denial of what you thought would be yours? Was it 24? With me breaking every taboo I know to feel more? To love harder? To experience my existence with a greater depth? Was it 25? With me opening up my mind to see what’s really there? 26? 27? 28? 29? Getting wasted? Falling in love again and again? Kissing under the rain? Opening up my body in an attempt to detach from a physical being only to confine myself even more? Baggage. Emotional baggage. Long dark alleyways filled with dust, blood and almost forgotten peopl