Lost in Crazy..

Richard Feynman, a world renowned physicist and revolutionary scientist, wrote this letter to his deceased wife, who was his high-school sweetheart. The letter was not opened until after he died in 1988: October 17, 1946 D’Arline, ... I adore you, sweetheart. I know how much you like to hear that — but I don't only write it because you like it — I write it because it makes me warm all over inside to write it to you. It is such a terribly long time since I last wrote to you — almost two years but I know you'll excuse me because you understand how I am, stubborn and realistic; and I thought there was no sense to writing. But now I know my darling wife that it is right to do what I have delayed in doing, and that I have done so much in the past. I want to tell you I love you. I want to love you. I always will love you. I find it hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you after you are dead — but I still want to comfort and take care of you — and I want yo

I don't know what words to put together to make this seem as deep and as beautiful as you make me feel. It is like I spent my life building thick walls around my heart to keep it locked away for anyone to reach . Only to make the greatest mistake of all.  I let you in knowing that there is no going back. I let you in knowing that once you leave, you'll take away my heart. I let you in knowing that you'd make it so perfect for me to ever want out. How will I ever BE after your love.. How will I ever be me again... I know I am not perfect.. I know that I hurt you.. I know that I never satisfy you.. I know that I always pick holes in everything.. For all that I am and what I do I am sorry, for what it's worth you have me.. The childish, obsessive, idealistic, idiotic, bossy, bipolar me is all yours..  I always wish if there is more in me to make yours.. I always wish if i could take back things I have done. I always wish if I can never lose you..

   I always wonder if it all started then or it has been there all along. First years of my life could only be described by a simple word, perfect! I had a loving mum, lived in a lovely home, and got everything I asked for. With all the perfection of my small perfect world I had one thing missing, I had him missing. I stand here today eleven years after the day that radically changed my life, and I am still as lost and as confused as the nine years old girl who lost the most precious blessing God gave to his creatures. I thought time would mend the wounds inside my heart, I hoped for the life in my days to fill the emptiness in my heart. But it only got worse with time. I woke up today and decided to sleep in late, this Easter vacation was wasted in "resting" after a month of me working my ass off to the max. I guess "trying" to get into med-school while wanting to help everyone, and be everything is not working quite well. First thing I did the minute I open