Insanity? .. Survival. . ? Loss? Love.. and All Those Things

    And you try.. and you try.. and you want and you yearn.. and cry and cry.. weep and cry? Asking for things. .. working for things.. but do you get them? .. do you reach them?? Do you achieve them? Or do you lose them?
    I gave in my heart .. inside out. . I gave in every single feeling that I believe is humanly possible. . And it hurts. . But was it worth it? Is it worth it?  But our brains fail to object when our hearts decide. . Why is it this way?  Why can't I admit to my failures and cut my losses short? .. cut my losses short. . Why? .. Do I still have anything more to lose? .. Ungrateful .. you could say.. I am still alive.. I still have everything that many people would die for.. but I lost the one true thing I really cared about. . My heart. .
    Is it the big things or the little things? ? I don't care anymore. . It doesn't really matter. . I can't think straight. . So many thoughts come rushing through my head. . I can't feel straight. . So many emotions come rushing through me.. bad emotions. . Dark emotions. . NEGATIVE ones.. and it is scary. . Because this isn't me.. I am not me.. I can't feel like me.. I can't think like me .. but I need to be me.. again. .. but how do I find me.. I lost me.. I need me.. I need me.. it is so scary without me..
   

      I write those crazy things. . And it makes me feel better.. because it is coming from the inside of me.. so raw.. so genuine. . Non-filtered. . A naked portrayed of my stripped fractures of a soul.. what is being crazy? Is it this?  Am I on the verge of the mental break down I always knew it was eventually happening? .. The Four D's... the four signs of mental complications that would classifies them as mental disorders. .
     Distress.. I am distressed. . I do not feel well.. I do not feel comfortable. . I do not feel right. . I am not happy. .. I am anxious. . I lost all hope.. I don't feel or find any ease.
     Dysfucntion .. I feel tired ALL THE TIME.. simply exhausted. . Sad.. unwilling to do anything. . I am not studying. . I am in a medical school! ! I should be happy. . But I am not.. all I could feel is frustration. . I am not getting anything done..
         Danger -to self and others- .. my frustration?  .. my hopelessness?  .. my unwillingness to live.. to move on.. to want something more. . Something different. . Something other than all the things I have lost.. me not wanting to live and yet too afraid to let it all break and cave in.. me contemplating to let go any minute of everyday .. does that make me suicidal? .. If Me fantasizing that him that I love most would hurt so much.. would cry so much.. for losing me.. for hurting me.. for giving up on me.. for not being there for me.. isn't danger to others I don't know what is..
    Deviation from normal.. I know that I do not fall within the norm.. I am not just like anyone else.. I can see it in the way people look at me.. the way I dress.. the way I think.. the hardship I deal with things in.. I always wonder is it so hard to be a person. . Because from a "personal experience" it seems to be so damn hard.. my own father killed my own mother when I was 8.. I survived .. I lived.. I lost my grandmother two years after that.. and I carried on.. my uncle took me in.. I became the leech instead of the one leeched on.. I moved to a different country. . I was brought down every day for  no reason. . For no guilt by the bitch whore heartless idioti ignorant criminal called my uncle's wife.. I thrived.. I became a better person. . I grew.. I surpassed all of that .. I was always top of my class.. I felt ugly .. I felt stupid .. I felt I was noone and nothing. . Only to realize that I went from the hideous filthy blooded caterpillar into this beautiful free happy happy happy butterfly.. I met him.. the love of my life? Maybe.. the love of what I lived of my life? Yes I am sure.. I never really cared about guys.. love.. relationships. . All that crap.. that's what I thought of it .. crap.. for me romantic relationships meant playing dumb to avoid hurting the other person or me.. and it worked out super perfectly. . He came.. so close to me he was. . My best friend he was.. I dropped my walls to him because he was a friend and only that.. but then I couldn't tolerate the thought of losing his care.. his sweetness. . His dedication. . You only meet people like him once in a life time.. he knew everything about everything. . He had opinions about Life .. Love .. Religion. . Politics. . Poetry. . Literature. . Psychology. . Philosophy. . And Science. . All the conversation we had.. everything I learned from him.. the science .. did I fall in love with him because I was already in love with science and he was just the perfect feast to fulfill how hungry I was to learn? The passion he had it was so overwhelming. . How confident. . How he -and I- never saw the limits of his capabilities. . It was all just perfect. . How I am proud of him.. and me for making him fall so deeply in love with me? But it all changed. . I always knew that his geniusness had a price.. and I think he is forcing himself to pay it..
      He's gone crazy.. but so did I.. maybe losing him was my last tick.. and maybe not loving me enough was his...
      I am not a survivor. . For I lost my heart before actually winning the fight... and being a survival was the only thing that made me me.. so maybe I really did lose me..

End Note: - I still do love him just as strongly
                 - I surely miss that strong determined capable person he was
                 - I miss all the conversations.. the full mindnessness and the happiness
                 - He is not perfect, but he is the best person I have ever met
                   - He is the perfect person for me