The Beauty Of The Before And After

21-12-2013

I don't think I could ever forgive you,

for all the things I have given. 

I gave you MY HEART the only thing I HAD,

my everything. 

AND YOU! YOU let it die...

You never loved me .. 

You loved having someone there for you ..

I want it to be over ..

I want  to STOP ..

stop loving you .. stop wanting you .. stop dreaming about you ..

I just hate how all the passion and the love are gone,

I used to feel it ...

so overwhelming ..

so genuine ..

now it is nothing .. NOTHING ..

All I could feel is my heart breaking over what I have lost ..

what we have lost ..

27-12-2014

I have grown so much.

Too much, arguably. 

Looking back at where I was a year ago and where I am now, it is just fascinatingly overwhelming. 

We know time heals all wounds.

We have seen it everywhere, 

maybe experienced it on different levels,  but this.

Where I was a year ago was a different thing. Was -possibly- grief as I have never experienced before. It was the breaking and the burning of every muscle held in my heart. It was the breaking of every dream growing within my soul.

I shall not claim strength. 

I will not assume that I am completely healed anytime soon.

But I guess where I am now, is at the corner of acceptance. 

     If anything,  the biggest lesson I have learned this year is to know when to stop fighting. I realised that strength by no means means fighting to the last breath, but rather to stop before destroying all the beauty that persisted.

It was dark. 

Traumatizing. 

Painful. 

Scary.

And mostly so damn lonely.

But here I am now, surrounded by light, shedding off slowly

step by step

what remains of the scar tissue deep rooted within me.

I am not terrified anymore. 

Yes,

I do get afraid every once and awhile, but who doesn't? 

The future is such an unpredictable passenger that no one feels safe at its inevitable encounter.

I realized, loneliness is a state of mind. We are only as lonely as we allow ourselves to be.

I realized that being lonely is at the roots of self-discovery,  and all the beautiful things that radiate out of our brains when they are not too busy glowing to light a black hole. 

I love you, I will always do.

I may have dishonored that with all the hating and the anger.

I may have mutilated every emotion I have felt from you through my pain.

But I finally realized that the beauty of love lays in how fleeting it is.

It creeps on you slowly, 

grows within you in bits,

and then leaves you swiftly in a massive expulsion. 

It was beautiful. 

The sweet and the bitter,

the joy and the pain

and I thank you for that, for without it I would have never grown into this woman I am so comfortable being in her skin.

It is so beautiful in here.

I hope it is just as beautiful wherever you are.