Lost in Crazy..

Sometimes it just gets scary, to open your heart and let the words flow uncontrollably. It is scary because you know once you let down the walls confining all what you've built up inside it would get nasty.  What's your story? I have many.       Not because I could be anyone or do anything, which would concequnecely add up to a Story. But because life is a perspective, and every time you look at it from a different angle you will get a different narration . The White Queen giving birth to the children she had with a craw. The Orphan Kid abandoned by her mother to have conversations with phantom voices. The Parent Mourning out-living her heartfruit. The Lady Mother living in the shames of her own birth. The Man life forced to walk in shoes bigger than him for blood-binding. The Young Abused boy helpless, disappointed, and grieving for the loss of all that made up a life. The Sweet Child silent, alone, and lonely. The D...

We talk about the future as if it isn't an extention of a tormented past. We speak about history, like it would never repeat itself. We run from the truth, ignoring that we can never escape ourselves. There is just so much to want in this life, not like any of it would make any difference. Speaking of this "difference", is there really such a thing? Maybe life is just a cycle of self-perpetuated constants, as scary as that might seem. We babble about change being a constant. We study how entropy would only drive the universe to expand, changing its course. But the chaos of death, loss, and misery has always been the same, with different a different face for each generation. There is this consistency for suffering that is almost poetic, driving crazy men to speak of a Utopia that can never exist. Because if there was a Creator, the Creator carved us to love ourselves first. And if there wasn't, then natural selection built us to fight to be, by all means, the fi...

Maybe it is very uni-dimensional  of me to assume that all what's wrong with the human race, stems out of one core trait. I went on for so long believing that this core trait is the lack of empathy, which taking the inanimated  constituents of the universe and how us, humans, are fucking it up makes really no appeal for a solution. When you think about it, it is really hard to empathize with a river we are destroying for our own selfish needs for example. This only suggests that this core trait has to be something more basic, and alimentary, something like Responsibility. The degree a person, an animal, heck even an amoeba has defines a whole lot of its character, purpose, feelings, and behaviors. An amoeba's -very primitive- form of responsibility towards the universe ensues that it should propagate its genetic material ensuring the survival of its species. A chicken's responsibility towards the universe is to makes sure it propagates, be food for the animals on top of i...

I believe in Change, the type that builds up slowly, surely and strongly. The Change that persists.  I belive it matters. And I believe in the additive strength of the tiniest effort each individual could contribute with. I look to the future from that perspective and it is beautiful. Because the world is changing, it is a universal law, and we have the power to shape it into whatever we desire.

An intriguing thought just popped in my head while I was thinking of visiting one of mom's friends/ far cousins. I was thinking of how this woman used to cheat on her husband with this man who happens to be a far family as well. For a second I kind of attributed my uninitiated to visit her more often to this reason, and I was so close to "labeling" her unconsciously in the "not very good people" category, but the interesting thought popped in. It was one of those really clear loud full sentence type of thoughts, the ones that in hindsight you practiced all along but never vocalized "she is married her concepts are entirely different." The thought was basically that I am no place to form whatsoever judgment, I know nothing of the situation she is in, I know nothing about how she thinks nor her intentions. This makes sense, it is very reasonable and in a way suggests something bigger that I have been going on and on about in my head for a while. What va...

21-12-2013 I don't think I could ever forgive you, for all the things I have given.  I gave you MY HEART the only thing I HAD, my everything.  AND YOU! YOU let it die... You never loved me ..  You loved having someone there for you .. I want it to be over .. I want  to STOP .. stop loving you .. stop wanting you .. stop dreaming about you .. I just hate how all the passion and the love are gone, I used to feel it ... so overwhelming .. so genuine .. now it is nothing .. NOTHING .. All I could feel is my heart breaking over what I have lost .. what we have lost .. 27-12-2014 I have grown so much. Too much, arguably.  Looking back at where I was a year ago and where I am now, it is just fascinatingly overwhelming.  We know time heals all wounds. We have seen it everywhere,  maybe experienced it on different levels,  but this. Where I was a year ago was a different thing. Was -possibly- gr...