An Ex Semi-fairytale Princess Gone Mad

It isn't the loneliness..
It isn't the pain..
It isn't the memories..
It isn't the dreams..
It isn't the disappointments..
It isn't what we were..
It isn't what we could have been..
It isn't you..
It isn't me..
It is the little things..

-The goofy, neat, gay, tilted handwriting you inked your letters with.
-The soft fluffy hairs on your hands.
-The gleam that shone in your eyes when you looked at me.
-The pauses you took to taste my breath before you kiss me.
-The way you used to say bye.. kiss on the forehead.. kiss on the right cheek.. Left cheek.. And then nose..
-The way you know exactly how to explain something for me to get it.
-The original flavor Pringles.
-The bottle of cold water and packet of my favorite gum every morning.
-The way you lose yourself in me.
-The always keeping the last tissue for me.
-The not hugging me when I cry despite your heartache for it, because you know how pathetic it would make me feel.
-The stealing a kiss whenever we could.
-The walking me home everyday.
-The waking me up every morning.
-The waiting for me outside every exam hall.
-The ignoring everyone when I am around.
-The inability to say no to me.
-The way you crack up laughing silently.
-The way your lips felt on my hand.

Fuck you..

Fuck you for giving me all of that!
Fuck you for taking it away from me.
Fuck you for making me love you.
Fuck you for letting me lose you.
Fuck you for giving up on me.. On us..
Fuck you for I so miserably miss you..

   I tried apathy.. I tried being independent.. I tried moving on.. But everything leads back to you..
   I have always had my doubts.. I have always wanted more.. It was Never the fairytale I wanted..  So why am I so stuck in between the lines of the book you closed?
   Is it my anger that's keeping me sinking? I am mad.. I am so fucking enraged.. How could you! How could you promise me .. How could you love me.. How could you believe in me.. How could you make me trust the breath you breathe.. Only to leave me here alone.

    You know how I get scared.. You know I get lost.. You know how I can't face my demons without you.. You know how I cry.. You know how my heart breaks.. And yet here I am.. Fucking lonely.. With a drenched flat broken necrotized heart..
     I am here fighting alone.. Only because you could not fight your battles with your heart in your chest.
      You say I am different? You think I have changed? Guess what honey in the game of shifting roles you win first prize.

        Why? Why are you so afraid of giving me the access to your soul that I have been always entitled to have? You know that the only magic I ever had was to whisper to your being.. Why are you so scared of that? Why are you forcing yourself to keep your distance from the one and only thing you have ever loved? Why do you have to prove to yourself that you can do anything including excising my roots from your veins?

         But you know what, I will always find my consolation in the scar-tissue that forever will be suffocating your heart.