Lost in Crazy..

Leaving an imprint on the world? Isn't that the forever-lasting struggle of the human race?       Giving that notion the time to question the justifications underlying it, it sums down to a simpler more comprehensible thought .. We are afraid of being forgotten.. Le ft alone six feet under.. I bet that thought would be all what's echoing in that eternal silence..          Maybe.. maybe that is why we are So Scared.. So Anxious.. when it comes to letting go of what's gone - Or whose gone-   because only when we Stop remembering.. Stop missing.. Stop feeling that void in our hearts.. when we STOP feeling the air thinning around us when we acknowledge  The Gone..  Only then What's gone becomes Forever Lost..        I don't mind to be gone..  out of your life.. out of your dreams.. out of Your Heart.. But what breaks my heart is the thought of being lost ..        I don't...

Richard Feynman, a world renowned physicist and revolutionary scientist, wrote this letter to his deceased wife, who was his high-school sweetheart. The letter was not opened until after he died in 1988: October 17, 1946 D’Arline, ... I adore you, sweetheart. I know how much you like to hear that — but I don't only write it because you like it — I write it because it makes me warm all over inside to write it to you. It is such a terribly long time since I last wrote to you — almost two years but I know you'll excuse me because you understand how I am, stubborn and realistic; and I thought there was no sense to writing. But now I know my darling wife that it is right to do what I have delayed in doing, and that I have done so much in the past. I want to tell you I love you. I want to love you. I always will love you. I find it hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you after you are dead — but I still want to comfort and take care of you — and I want yo...

I don't know what words to put together to make this seem as deep and as beautiful as you make me feel. It is like I spent my life building thick walls around my heart to keep it locked away for anyone to reach . Only to make the greatest mistake of all.  I let you in knowing that there is no going back. I let you in knowing that once you leave, you'll take away my heart. I let you in knowing that you'd make it so perfect for me to ever want out. How will I ever BE after your love.. How will I ever be me again... I know I am not perfect.. I know that I hurt you.. I know that I never satisfy you.. I know that I always pick holes in everything.. For all that I am and what I do I am sorry, for what it's worth you have me.. The childish, obsessive, idealistic, idiotic, bossy, bipolar me is all yours..  I always wish if there is more in me to make yours.. I always wish if i could take back things I have done. I always wish if I can never lose you.. ...

   I always wonder if it all started then or it has been there all along. First years of my life could only be described by a simple word, perfect! I had a loving mum, lived in a lovely home, and got everything I asked for. With all the perfection of my small perfect world I had one thing missing, I had him missing. I stand here today eleven years after the day that radically changed my life, and I am still as lost and as confused as the nine years old girl who lost the most precious blessing God gave to his creatures. I thought time would mend the wounds inside my heart, I hoped for the life in my days to fill the emptiness in my heart. But it only got worse with time. I woke up today and decided to sleep in late, this Easter vacation was wasted in "resting" after a month of me working my ass off to the max. I guess "trying" to get into med-school while wanting to help everyone, and be everything is not working quite well. First thing I did the minute I open...