Lost in Crazy..

What's a Year ?      A year is a periodic time frame implaced by us mortal beings to keep track of whatever little time we spend on this earth. What trivial accomplishments we achieve. How much change we go through.  In a way it is nothing but a tool for assessment  we use to judge our lives.       For me it seems that the moments in a single year are too many and too intense they cut deep in me. Maybe that is the price of being young and fragile, life molds you with every moment. Maybe the more years that passes the less of a toll it takes on us. MAYBE I am young and life is rolling. Or maybe it is just me rolling on life. A Year is what it took to break us apart.  It seemed too tangible,  Too real, Too genuine,  Too strong and unfathomable,  to ever   easily break.  I assume it was optimism bias, which led me to believe in your heart strings to remain wrapped around mine.   ...

A pit in my insides, like a phantom limb pain. But for my phantom heart. This is how it feels to Miss You .

Your limerence fed on my insides,  love reeked from my skin. We enjoyed drowning in it,  breaking each others brittle bones, cutting through our necrotized meat. Until we started chocking on our oceans of empty promises, and there were no more bones to break, no flesh left to shed. And now I never go swimming without a safety vest, fastened strongly and anchored to shore with my paranoia and aquaphobia. It is cold in here, getting wet without really being in the water, but it is better than clinging to you while we're both drowning in a storm. Sucking your blood for breath, and bleeding for you.

I was just looking at this and thinking how could captivating beauty like this exists in a world where a species is willing to wipe off the life of its own for a cause that lived out its time. I understand dedication and commitment. I could understand being too blinded by a holy sacred mission. I really do, but it lived out its people, Nothing absolutely no funking thing, no God no religion no bigger purpose would justify or accept the amount of blood, the pain, and the suffering that has been going on for far too long. It is all about affirming superiority,  no more no less. And that's disgusting. We are hardly human anymore,   for we have clearly lost every ounce of our humanity. 

So this morning I am going to be so happy acknowledging the true bless of having this intimately beautiful life lasting friendships, that goes on for yeeeeaaaars~ ~ The people who know you well enough, its fair for them to judge you even though they never do. The people who remember your memories as if they were theirs. The people who know you down to your taste buds, that even if you walked in into a new restaurant they would know before hand what you'd order. The people that force you to send a morning selfie in the days they don't see you in. The people that you are in such a harmony with you never needed to fight with, lie to, nor disappoint. The people you would never doubt nor fear you'd ever lose. The people that know the true meaning behind every choice of words you make. The people that you would sing crazy songs, mediate in the woods, dance under the rain with. Oh how lucky we are for having those people.

I choose to believe that the human psyche is one of the most dynamic systems out there. We grow we develop we change, but to what direction/s? And with what forces to govern that flow? In dynamic systems the flow is reversible -based on environmental catalysts and what not- and regression -in Freudian terms- is occasionally reported in cases of extreme stress, which makes the assumption of a backward flow a possibility. So what if something you got over Something you built and nurtured in you Something you have grown to be got reversed? And BOOM! You go back to the  starting point of building who you are .. Acknowledging the mere possibility of it is scary. And the internal forces that shuffles that psyche of ours is even scarier, and maybe completely obscure to us and that's the scariest part.